THE TRAP OF BLAMING
Nancy, I have a girlfriend who blames me for everything. No matter what the situation is, somehow it is my fault. I can not win. She twists what I say, and makes it my fault. I love her and I don’t want to leave her but, I cannot live this way.I just don’t understand why this relationship has to be so one-sided?
Nancy, My husband does not take responsibility for his behavior. He is always blaming the kids, his boss, and my self. My husband is getting impossible to be around without an argument. I try to point out another point of view but, he is stubborn and will not listen. It is ruining our relationship, and I feel like I’m always under attack. Can you help me understand what to do?
To blame is to hold one responsible for a fault or error. Blaming is a belief in perception of right and wrong, good or bad, and someone else is held responsible for the error that contributes to our unhappiness. Those who blame, criticize without taking responsibility for their own behavior. Someone else is at fault and responsible for the unhappiness.
There are many ways that we project blame. We blame our parents, spouses, relationships, children, bosses, society and, governments, environments, and ourselves. I am not minimizing the hurt and pain that someone has gone through but, the trap is that blame creates victims. Thoughts are powerful and we magnetize what we think. Like it or not, for myself, this is a fact. Blame automatically makes me a victim because someone did something to me, and had power over my life. Without changing the way I think, I will not solve my problems, and it will repeat in my future. Victims get victimized, which sets the scene for more obstacles.
One example of blame I hear a lot is, blaming parents for my having a difficult life. One theory is, children are exposed to most of their lessons and influence in the first nine years of life. Parental influence is a major aspect in all of our lives.Early childhood sets the agenda for what we need to learn and strengthen.
Childhood experience is a difficult one to overcome, without rising above the problem and doing it differently. While childhood influences pave the way in how we handle our lives, there comes a time when I have to take responsibility for my life, and how I choose to live it. As a child, I did not have the same control over my life as I should have as an adult.Many stories that we hear leave us in horror with conditions that a child may have to endure. It is said that the soul chooses its parents….I am sure some wonder how that could be. This world is messed up right now, and for many, it was bad enough to go through the difficulties while in childhood, without bringing into our lives as an adult.
If I have obstacles and I was not properly prepared to know how to deal with life from my childhood, then I must make a decision to learn what I need to know to solve them. Blaming others will not solve my problems, it just insures the unhappiness of the past will continue in my future. It is not about right or wrong, good or bad but, what works or does not work. It is difficult in today’s environment to work past this, but it does not change the fact, that projection puts me in a vulnerable position of having my life in the hands of someone else’s weakness.
I remember hearing people who killed someone saying that I heard voices. “They told me to do it.” “He got me drunk and, I didn’t know what I was doing.” Even if that is true, they are the one whose is going to be held responsible. Who is supposed to be in charge?
So why do we blame others for what we should take responsibility for our self?
One reason is we don’t want to take responsibility for changing our life. Some want an “escape goat.” We hide from responsibility, behind someone else, by blaming them. Perhaps we are childish and immature because we have not had good mentors, and do not know how to deal with situations. We may have learned this defense mechanism from others.
People are overwhelmed with negative thinking, hopelessness, helplessness, irrational thoughts, and errors in our thinking. We often make assumptions and project what we make up in our minds as truth. Many people who blame others are full of fear, are rigid and closed-minded. People who do not want to be told anything, act stubborn, think “black and white,” feel entitled because of grudges and resentments, and preoccupied with other people in order to avoid their own life, are likely to fall into the habit of blaming. Blaming can give us an excuse to avoid relationships and intimacy.
Be careful when blaming feels good. Ego will be involved, and its job is to destroy and separate. Blaming gives me the right to mistrust and generalize by judging the innocent with the guilty.
Blaming is based on false irrational emotions and reasoning. I realize that some might take issue with this comment, but if we know the truth, we are all one and, inside of us, the same issue magnetizing for a reason to teach us something.Placing blame can be used as a distraction of bad behavior or misdoing.
This world is a school full of lessons and we are to take responsibly without blame. Blaming ourselves, others or the world conditions does not allow for solution. Blaming and assessing are two different things. We cannot control others.We can only make decisions and build strategies to empower ourselves in order to handle our lives in a more effective peaceful way.
If someone is blaming you, and twisting what you have said, not taking responsibility for their actions, or is not going to solve the problem that you have together. It is based in denial. The way we should look at the situation is …does this work, or doesn’t it? Right or wrong, good or bad will only eventually lead to blame of self or others and, your weakness.
Remember, when the index finger points out towards someone…the thumb points up and three fingers point back at you.
Hubert Humphrey: To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
Have a wonderful week.